Dubstep Sangeet – Day 1

DAY-1 of the “Bhattu in Punjabi-Haryanvi-UPite wedding” chronicles.

Let’s roast, shall we?

“Chittiyaan Kalaiyaan Ve”, the words resonating with block electronica and blud beats. A score of Punjabi girls, gyrating in unison as the noise reaches a crescendo. Swooning sensuously to that raspy voice, belting out Punjabi and English balladry with equal ferocity. Such an utter disregard to pitch and scale. The idiot. I like it. Punjabi Sangeet it is.

The bride and her little brother share an emotional moment. The boy is loathe at even the thought of her sister parting ways at the fork in the road. The little wuss is crying. And then he promptly falls down the stage. Alcohol sits only too well with him. Family members come to the rescue. Meanwhile one of the numerous cousins is busy flirting with the DJ.

The Cousins

Apart from the numerous cousins mentioned above, a pair catches my eye. The cute cousin and her older brother. Those two are a breed of a different kind. I’ve never seen such energy and an equal love for music and dance. Their parents, ditto. Heads up: The cute cousin is really hot.

More ladies coming in (mental triumph recorded). Frankly I was worried with the lack of girls. Pfft.. I was kidding. There’s never a dearth of that kind in Punjabi weddings. Ahh… Here come Honey Singh and Mika. Guests, you have my condolences. The fever’s spreading fast. All of my family has fallen prey to it. I am however, still holding out. The bride’s father tries his best to keep up. He is visibly failing. Over three decades in the military, and a massive hole in his purse have left him worn out and sucked dry. FUN TRIVIA: The dad’s got a baritone to match grandpa Bachchan.

OK… The cute cousin is making too many hot moves, too fast. She has definitely caught my eye. The opposite is open to speculation. “Pretty woman, dekho dekho na. Pretty woman?” Ohh… WTF did I just see!
Dear Readers, I’ve just learnt a great lifehack: A woman’s bosom is an excellent storage location. Mobile phone, lipstick, condom; Name it, store it.

The DJ has suddenly lost my respect. Who in their right mind mixes dubstep with Honey Singh? That’s like having Nutella with yoghurt (Its no good. Believe me, I’ve tried.) Meanwhile the bride’s kiddo brother has bounced back, accompanied by the groom’s friends. The groom is ostensibly MIA. (They tell me he’s having a bachelor party. In Ghaziabad. Yeah right.)

The Groom’s Friends

1 stoner. 3 drunks. 1 gay. (The list in not exhaustive.)
The stoner has dressing sense that I find pleasing. The gay guy is wearing his his heart on his sleeve. The drunks are still drunk. (They have enough loop invariance to match most algorithms)

The DJ, shockingly enough, has the good sense to put on an Eminem track. The territory is familiar again. Oh wait, that’s just the jolly uncle fooling around with the DJ. 90s pop. Lady Gaga. Metal. Back to Bollywood wedding theme shit.

The stoned guy is having his first drink of the evening. Let’s see how he holds out. The aunties are swarming the stage again. Its just short of a horror story. When they jump, and you can see the flab bouncing up and down in unison. Several women cadets (who participated in Republic Day) have expressed their envy at this show of might and unity.

Through the corner of my eye, I see a bunch of kids. The look so bored, acting all grown up and morose. I would like to give each of them a wedgie. Feeling grumpy and depressed is solely my territory.

The stoned guy just got his nuts. I’ve never seen a man so happy. The bar is besieged with thirsty folk. Today is election day. Thank God, the event is taking place at a secure military location. The amount of booze flowing here would get us prosecuted thrice over. One more reason to like Punjabi weddings.

The gay guy just crossed my path. That muffler is upto no good. Gay guy’s friend is meanwhile getting comfortable with Govinda’s ooh ooh. The stoned guy just finished his nuts. The groom’s friends are congregating on the bride and the cute cousin. I fear for the cute cousin. The gay guy is dancing again. The stoned guy’s nuts are feeling insecure. The cousins are busy taking selfies. Gay guy’s friend is dancing in a very strategic position. Gay guy has tried to make a turban out of his muffler. Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, we have our Coolie.

Gay guy dares to hit on the cute cousin. Under my watch. The cute cousin’s brother is not too happy about it. Nor is Gay guy’s girlfriend. Meanwhile, stoned guy thinks every song is Dum Maro Dum.

The party is nearing completion. I have been dragged from my perfect vantage point and onto the stage. Here I stand clueless and awkward. I shall not submit to the rigors of dance and music. But an unexpected event happens.

The cute cousin approaches me and asks if she can have a selfie with me. Dumbfounded as I was, I flashed my best smile and properly yellowed teeth. And just as soon, she went away, prancing. I hope to see her tomorrow.

PS: DAY-2 COMING SOON.

I’ll post the link here.